How I experience myself when faced with learning and understanding English grammar is MAJOR fear and resistance because – I don’t know it very well at all, and I’m required to know it when I apply for English teaching jobs in a foreign country this summer however, my habit is to go into fear instead of seeking solutions for myself to understand and walk through grammar comfortably. I see that I have not been properly educated to understand grammar like adjectives and verbs when I was a child, and I have no recollection or memory of ever being taught such things.
I realize I have myself and can trust myself to find solutions to new situations and new things, so I will not only assist and support myself through Self-Forgiveness on this point, but will also find practical methods and solutions for me to learn grammar effectively.
Here is the following points that come through in relation to who I am when I face learning English grammar that I will apply Self-Forgiveness on:
Backchat: “I’m scared of grammar, I’m terrified of grammar because I don’t think I’d be able to get it. It’s too hard, I can’t get it, I’m so bad at it, I’m horrible at it, I’m a sucker, a loser at it, I’m not even a good teacher, I’m poor at it, I’m not that good, I hate grammar, its too hard, I cant do this…”
Physical reactions: constricted/tightened throat and chest. Pain in center of upper back
Energetic reactions: fear, anxiety, over-whelmingness, depression, nervousness, desire to give up and not do this
Imagination: The teacher writing on the board and I think within me “I don’t get this” and I ‘close up’ within me and shut down.
Childhood Memory: Playing MadLibs with my friend in the car and I had to find an adjective and I didn’t know what an adjective was so I stuttered trying to find a word until my mom and friend helped me out and explain what an adjective was. I remember beling like “how does she know that?” because I didn’t know what adjectives were and she explained it with such clarity and understanding to me. I didn’t want to come across as stupid, I thought I should know what an adjective was at that age. I remember reacting in fear and I didn’t want to appear/look stupid in front of my friend and even though my mom was describing what an adjective was to me I couldn’t process it, I couldn’t completely understand or comprehend — I was already in my head reacting, shutting myself down.
Alright, I will continue tomorrow with this!