I used food as a coping mechanism to deal with school and life, and to me there was nothing more ‘liberating’ than eating certain foods secretly in hiding, where no one could see me or judge me. The unfortunate part of it all was that when I would eat this food alone, I wouldn’t enjoy it as much as if I made myself a great home-cooked meal because eating the foods alone / in secret / hiding always had me exist in some inner anxiety, because I was afraid to get caught, so I was also on edge when eating too, never really comfortable eating the food alone. Not to mention, the consequence of over-indulging / bingeing on food lead me to weight gain and cycles of self-pity / self-hate, etc.
Now I am slowly walking out of my eating patterns, but it’s important for me to gather the memories that have led me to become this pattern as a secret eater / binge-eating personality because all is not cleared and understood yet. I must say, the general eating habits began in high school when I was a teenager and only one memory I find was when I was a child.
“There are Many facets to this, and the Lines between Binging, Bulimia and Anorexia is many times Blurred. Realising that, any of these Compulsions can be Stopped through Effective Dissecting of the Memories, Energies, Patterns, to a Point where One Understand How you have Created the Particular Personality: is Important.” -Bernard Poolman
Read more at: Creations Journey to Life: Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni
Here are the memories that are coming up in relation to the secret-eater / binge-eater personality:
Stealing candy from my friend S and eating it secretly in her bathroom. She knew something was up because she kept knocking on the door and questioning me about what I was doing. I was upset because she wouldn’t leave me alone and I was basically caught.
Eating pizza with C. We each ordered a large pizza and I ate half of mine. While eating we watched 2 movies. I remember looking down at the pizza I just ate and remember thinking how much of a problem this is.
When I went to Block Island with my family, my mother bought my sister and herself ice-cream. I then asked her if I could have some, worried to hear her response because I was diagnosed with high-cholesterol at age 15 by my doctor and my mom was concerned about what I was eating. My mom denied me the ice-cream in a cold manner and I ended up holding in a lot of anger and spite towards her throughout the whole day.
My 16th birthday and I was still diagnosed with high-cholesterol. My neighbor made a cake for me and her two daughters both presented it to me on my birthday. It was my favorite kind: Funfetti (Vanilla cake with sprinkles). I only had one bite of cake and then found my cake in the garbage – my mom threw it out without telling me.
I am eating Cadberry egg creams and sitting in front of the computer playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. My father is coming upstairs, which means that he is home from work, and I am angry because I realize that dinner is soon and I’m not hungry plus I have to hide these eggs and I have to wait until dad leaves the room for me to eat them again. I am also frustrated and impatient. I want to eat the eggs now.
I remember first being introduced to binge-eating by my friend who told me that at night she would sneak into the kitchen and eat food in the cupboards behind her mom’s back. I then later “blamed” her for influencing me to become a ‘binge-eater’.
Going to a 24/7 Walmart to specifically buy ‘junk food’ to indulge in. Before I was debating whether or not to go but didn’t know how to direct myself, so I went. I was afraid the cashier would question or prevent me from buying the food, and what happened was that the cashier said “Oh I know what you’re doing…” to me it was like she knew exactly what I was going to do. I reacted by laughing nervously. I got the idea to get the food from Walmart because I saw a few pictures of my friends eating junk food in their car outside of Walmart, making it seem like it was fun.
Leaving school early to go to the gas station and buy candy. Walking outside, going back to school I felt disgusted, ashamed and also angry within myself. I wasted money to buy candy I didn’t want but felt like I had to. I didn’t even enjoy the candy.
These are 8 memories that I have identified that have influenced me in becoming / fueling the ‘secret eater / binge eater ‘ personality. In the blog posts to come I will take one memory and go through it in more expansive, specific writing so that I can get the memory all out and cleared and then walk myself in Self-Forgiveness. This will be fun, lol.
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