Day 97: Self-Forgiveness on "Putting in the Effort"

Continuation from the previous blog post titled: 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing out my mind every day by connecting writing myself out to that of being too much ‘effort,’ through charging “effort’ with negative energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect writing to that of effort and from this, define writing as something difficult and hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing out my mind by pushing myself to remain self-honest to uncover who I am and what exactly I’m existing within and as. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing points that I must take responsibility for and within this resist to even face these points because I define facing my points through writing as being something that requires much time and effort which I connect a negative energetic charge towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist putting forth effort in writing myself out as the mind, going “deep” within myself through critical question because I realize that if I put in effort of sticking to self-honesty and investigating the thoughts / backchats / memories / internal experiences of emotions and feelings within me I am actually assisting and supporting myself to develop, expand me and my understanding of who I am so I am able to know how to direct me effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define effort as something negative, thus giving the phrase ‘putting in effort’ negative value and from here resist putting in any effort to assist and support me in process due to an idea that it’s “hard work” and I don’t want to do “hard work.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a child where I don’t want to put forth any “hard work” or effort in assisting and supporting me in walking my process of walking out of the mind and into the physical through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, but just remain as I am, a being enslaved by thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic reactions and experiences that I allow to direct me – I mean, what the heck! Why do I even want to exist as this?!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mixture of anger, uncertainty and fear within this point of wanting to put forth effort in walking process because I realize I have never really put much effort in things except for school assignments and projects but that all came from fear because I feared that if I didn’t do well in school I would get bad grades/ get in trouble / be humiliated and thus my starting point of putting in effort on tasks was of fear. From here, I realize that walking process actually takes self-will, not energy as consciousness to move oneself, and this in itself seems “foreign” to me as I realize this is the first time I apply me as will to walk process and not direct myself to walk from the starting point of energy and / or fear because if I allow myself to walk my process with a starting point of any point of energy, such as fear, I am completely “missing the point” of walking process, because I’d still be allowing myself to be directed by energy as consciousness, not me as life, as a being of self-directive will. It’s interesting in that I have even reacted to the words”self-will” in fear so this point will be interesting to look at in the blog posts to come.

I commit myself to push myself to write as what I’m existing within and as the Mind and utilize the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application to assist and support me in understanding who I am and how to practically walk and change myself into and as someone best for me / all.

I commit myself to investigate where I allow energy and / or fear to be the starting point of me taking action / moving myself / walking process through writing, self-forgiveness and self-honesty  to assist and support me in changing the starting point of me walking my process from energy of and as consciousness / fear to that of actual self-will, self-realization and self-motivation.

That’s it for today. There is more to come. Thanks for reading.

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