I am walking the second part of the following memory that came from a thought-image I had in relation to resistance to writing and applying self-forgiveness on it:
…I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by someone calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I was writing intimately to myself because I perceived the experience as something personal and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when my writing got interrupted through thinking that my privacy was ‘violated.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my privacy was being violated when I was interrupted by another while writing instead of realizing that I was not in fact actually physically being ‘violated’ but that the sound of someone’s voice cutting through the quietness when I was writing startled me and I perceived that loud noise as a ‘threat’ to me writing very intimately / personally on paper about a problem that I was having that I have not told anybody yet, so I felt like what I was writing was a ‘secret’ that suddenly became exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who interrupted me when I was writing and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at this person when they interrupted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who interrupted my writing process as the reason why I cannot continue writing anymore, and used that excuse as a point of sabotage in not continuing to write for and as self support for me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the person’s voice had nothing to do with me not being able to write because I realize it’s only me that can make the actual decision of who I’m going to be and what I’m going to do in the moment and therefore, I am able to direct myself to write as is, as self support.
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I created the experience of feeling frustrated and stuck when I came back to writing after being interrupted by another through the belief that the person who interrupted me is to ‘blame’ and they are the reason why I cannot continue t write as before instead of realizing that I created that belief and limitation to not take responsibility and ‘get back to work’ so to speak within my writing, but I allowed myself to participate and hold onto a silly point of blaming another for writing when I could have in fact, let go of the reaction, not allow it to bother me, and continue writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop writing after being interrupted by
another due to the fear of being interrupted again having my ‘privacy be violated’ in which I see was a silly excuse to not continue writing for and as self-support in finding solutions.
I see, realize and understand that I used excuses and blame on another as a reason why I cannot continue writing as is which is another attempt to sabotage myself, a pattern I’ve been allowing myself to exist in for a while.
When and as I see myself react in fear when I am interrupted in my writing process, I stop, I breathe and I let go of the fear because I realize the fear came from a perception that the experience of me writing has been violated when in fact it really isn’t so and it comes from a memory where I was writing in silence and then abruptly interrupted by another with a loud voice and took that point personally, therefore–
I commit myself to breathe and let go of any and all reactions that come up within me when I am interrupted by a loud sound.
When and as I see myself about to blame someone for why I cannot write, I stop, I breathe and I let the blame go as I realize that I am the one who decides to write or not, no one else can, therefore, I make the decision within me to write. Any point of blame is a justification not to take responsibility for myself and therefore, if I see myself blame another I know that I’m trying to not take responsibility on something.
I commit myself to stop blaming others and to bring the point back to myself when I see I’m blaming to investigate what I am not taking responsibility for or what I’m hiding and don’t want to face.
I commit myself to investigate the self-sabotage pattern I’ve allowed myself to exist in for a while as I see that it doesn’t support me in any way at all and take responsibility for it so I can change this pattern and live free of self-sabotage.
More to come…