Day 77: Expecting a Positive Experience From Writing

This is a continuation from the previous blog posts:
Day 73-75: Resistance to Writing Part 1
Day 76: “I’ll Be Diligent and Focused TOMORROW” Thought & Memory

Thought-Image that I am working with: “Me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.”

This thought comes up as an image of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.” This thought is an idea I created within myself of who I WANT TO BE when I am writing – diligently and focused and instead of actually becoming that when I write I believe that tomorrow I will be that, but this is an excuse not to put in the effort and write that day, and I know that I won’t ever be diligent and focused in writing if I keep postponing the writing and thinking to myself I’m going to be diligent and focused tomorrow…
I can see I can trace this thought back to a memory when I wrote in my notebook after a period of time when I stopped my participation in Desteni due to chasing desires and I basically got to a point where I had enough of the b.s. I was existing in – I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by a family member calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become diligent and focused when I write but allowed myself to become distracted and pre-occupied by silly little things like checking facebook, going on my iPod and / or watching a TV show.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused” to exist within and as me as I see, realize and understand this thought comes from a memory of me when I was writing on my couch in a very straightforward diligent and focused manner until I was interrupted by a family member which then created an experience of unsettlement and feeling as if my privacy was violated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel violated when I was was writing and got interrupted by my family member because I see, realize and understand that I defined that experience of “me writing diligently and ‘focused” as a ‘good thing’ thus giving that moment of me writing a positive charge.

From that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that moment of “me writing diligently and focused” positively instead of seeing that I created the experience of feeling like what I was doing was something ‘good.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing as ‘good’, thus giving it positive value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive writing as a ‘good’ thing, when really writing is writing, a physical act of moving the pencil on paper or typing on the keyboard and me taking responsibility for my points to see what I’m existing as so I can see where I need to change, but I have given positive associations to writing due to how I perceived writing to be, and I specifically perceived writing out in emotional turmoil to be a positive thing, because I expected a positive thing to come forth from the writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing as an “emotionally uplifting experience” from which I want to gain a positive experience to feel better instead of seeing it’s not about making myself feel better or to soothe fears but about facing the fears, facing the turmoil, facing who I am, so I can find a solution and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive writing while I’m in emotional turmoil as a ‘positive / good thing’ as a mind-energy polarity of positive and negative energetic experiences (emotion and feeling based) cause of this belief that something positive is going to come out from writing out all the points onto paper. Now I see, realize and understand that the positive cannot exist without the negative, therefore, as long as I think that I’m going to get a positive feeling or experience from being negative / emotional, then I’m obviously going to continue enslaving myself in a constant cycle of energetic experiences of positivity and negativity, meaning, I’m going to continuously experience highs and lows, hopping to one end to the other, never in fact just being here, living here as breath.

I commit myself to re-define the words ‘diligent’ and ‘focused’ and apply these words to live, as living words.

I commit myself to stop defining the act of writing as something ‘good’ and ‘positive.’

When and as I see myself going into expectation about getting a positive experience out of my writing, I STOP, I take a deep in-breath and out-breath, and with the out-breath I just let the expectation go as I remind myself that I’m missing the whole point of writing, and that is – to see what I’m existing as, and take responsibility for it so I can change, and with that reminder, I instruct myself to continue writing in self-honesty and find solutions for me.

I commit myself to practice breathing to stop bouncing back and forth between positive and negative mind-energy polarity experiences.

I will continue with the second part of the thought tomorrow, going deeper in the memory.


Image by: Andrew Gable || DesteniArtists

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